Shame is a person's emotions, feelings. Psychology of Personality. About shame: how to get out of the “trap of shame What is shame

At one of the psychological trainings, the participants were asked to recall a case when they were ashamed and work it out in pairs. One woman calmly told the host: “But I don't have such situations. I'm shameless! "

Personally, I would not believe such a statement. But before we talk about shamelessness, let's try to understand the nature of shame and its purpose.

What is shame?

This emotion is considered negative. It has a social nature of origin, as it arises at the junction of disagreements in relation to personal qualities and actions. And this conflict is generated by the foundations of society. When a person is ashamed, he signals to himself that it is impossible to behave this way, there is a possibility that society will not accept it.

Why is this emotion social? There are two reasons.

1. When people talk about embarrassing cases in their lives, they always use words such as "this is not decent", "it is not accepted to do this." These rules carry messages received in the process of social life.
2. This emotion is always generated when interacting with other people. Shame gains momentum when we do awkward things in front of others. He weakens when these actions were not noticed by others and you can not be embarrassed. But it is wrong to say that a real shaming subject is necessary for its occurrence. It is natural for a person to have an image in his head that will certainly "disgrace" him. It can be a significant loved one, or he himself.

This feeling is always easier to experience next to others who accept an individual with his shameful history. For example, the system of work with drug addicts anonymous, alcoholics, sex addicts is built on the principle of "removing the level of shame." People gather there who accept each other's addictions, there is no condemnation, you can talk openly about your problems.

All ideas about oneself are reduced to the knowledge of certain qualities. If the awareness of new manifestations comes and they are accepted, then this does not cause embarrassment. But there are those qualities, as analytical psychologists call them - shadows that the personality denies in itself. The experience of shame is formed when there is an encounter with this shadow. And the most interesting thing is that while it is noticed only in other people, the person does not experience this emotion. But as soon as the part that is not accepted is recognized in itself, then a process of condemnation and self-shaming takes place.

How do mismatches occur?

1. It so happens that ideas about oneself were built in one environment, and once they find themselves in another, they are called into question. A person always roughly knows how sociable or reserved, rude or polite he is. This orientation occurs on the basis of one's own observations, the reactions of others. But we must not forget that the opinions of loved ones and all people in general are two big differences. For example, the girl has always considered herself sociable. It is customary in her family to talk about her excellent communication qualities, she skillfully maintained all contacts with her friends, loved noisy companies, and could spend hours talking with friends on the phone.

   But, if we compare her with her friend, who is always better to call than write a message, for whom it is easy to meet the first person she meets and make a strong friendship with him, then our heroine does not seem so open to communication. In some cases, it can even be called closed, because it enters into a dialogue only when there is a mood, and it does not always exist. And now it seems inappropriate to show off your sociability in a common company with that friend. You will be ashamed of your poor communication skills. It is necessary to completely re-evaluate your own level of development of communicative processes and, possibly, build a new attitude towards them.

2. Mismatch can arise from personal changes that no longer correspond to reality. For example, a woman came to a clothing store, by inertia took a size 44 jacket, confident that she would now go out to a large mirror and appear in all its glory. And now, counting on one effect, she realizes that the jacket is too small for her and needs at least size 46. The girl feels uncomfortable, and the consultant also looks disapprovingly, offering a wider option. It is in this moment that some other knowledge about oneself arises.

   But the story with the gained kilograms is very primitive, it is most noticeable in the example of changes in one's own properties, qualities, capabilities. It is not necessary that shame should arise in the place of mismatch; interest and curiosity may appear there. It all depends on how a person himself relates to new information about himself.

3. A conflict (we advise you to read it) can arise between such constants "as I am" and "as I want to be." For example, an individual has created an image of himself as ideal, and every time when it is impossible to reach a certain level, an internal conflict occurs, which leads to the experience of shame. The one who is ashamed and the one who is ashamed is the same subject himself. As soon as the real and ideal parts fall into the same area, the shame diminishes.

In the case of mismatch, this emotion acts as a signal that indicates some kind of change and helps to "tune" oneself. Now let's figure out how to get rid of the feeling of shame when it is unfounded.

How to deal with shame

At the very beginning of the article, a case was given from the experience of working with this emotion. The girl declared that she was shameless. This is an excellent demonstration of one of the defensive reactions that allows you not to experience this feeling.

This is about toxic shame. It is quite difficult, difficult to experience, it makes a person more vulnerable, does not contribute to the emotional strengthening of the body. It has an inhibitory effect, the personality stops developing, becomes isolated. But there is also such a phenomenon when the subject is unbearable to be weak, this is a forbidden manifestation, from which it becomes very embarrassing. Yes, a complex scheme, a vicious circle. And this phenomenon is called amplified shame. Otherwise they say about him - double embarrassment or his fear.

In a healthy form, this feeling is not easily experienced, but when it is doubled, the body experiences tremendous stress, with which it is necessary to do something. It is in this place that psychological defenses arise.

But how is such a "double portion" of the emotion under study formed? As a child, a child immediately received a double message from significant relatives. In the first, they shamed him for a specific offense, calling him stupid, stupid, limited. More often, at this moment he fell into a daze, froze in horror. And then they attacked again: “Well, why are you silent? Come on, fix it, act! " And then he accepted the installation that one should not even be ashamed, react somehow (freeze, blush, be embarrassed), just as in this position he is stupid or weak.

When shame is even a little recognizable, even toxic, then this is already a victory. It is possible to work with it, transform it, research it, correct it. But the situation is worse when he is unconscious. Usually, this is just a variant of "shaming for freezing" (Remember the shameless girl at the beginning of the article? This is a story about her.). It is difficult to influence here, since this feeling is closed, it is denied. It is important to understand that this emotion can be a help to a person when it is accepted by him. But also an enemy when completely suppressed.

Denial of shame

When children "hooligans" they keep repeating "This is not me, this is not me!" To avoid the experience of shyness, they seek to convince others and themselves that nothing awkward has happened: “So what? There is nothing shameful here! " Sometimes people can resort to rationalization, that is, to deny the shameful fact with logical arguments: “Why are you looking at me like that? Neighbor also got pregnant at 16 and that's okay! " Here comes the denial of the shame of early pregnancy. Or such cases: "In some European countries it is even customary to chomp at the table!"

Suppressing or controlling shame

In this story, a person forms an illusion for himself, in which everything is good for him. But what happens is the usual ignorance of the situation that made you experience shame. This is clearly seen in the behavior of people who respond to what has happened: "I will not talk about this!", "Do not start this conversation, it is unpleasant for me!" Others may simply translate the topic of the dialogue or remain weirdly silent.

It is not always worth explaining this in terms of suppressing embarrassment, but this is mostly what it is. The hardest thing here is that in this way a person denies the very possibility of influencing this feeling, they perceive it as static, not amenable to influence. Here, it is as if power and control over one's own feelings are lost, and the only way out is to endure and avoid tension. Often, the relationship stops developing, since the couple cannot move on, someone slows down the process due to suppressed shame and the impossibility of recognition in it.

Self-improvement as shame avoidance

Some, especially sophisticated in ways to protect themselves from this traumatic feeling, resort to developing qualities in themselves for which it is simply impossible to be ashamed. For example, if it is embarrassing to be stupid, then a person begins to read a lot of books, attend various seminars, trainings, declare the quotes read "on every corner." If it is shameful to walk with a dirty head, then he washes it 2 times a day all week. This form of protection is usually "sinned" by the "right people" or narcissists. All of their reality is wasted in constant achievement.

They do not know how to relax, they constantly live in a mode of self-improvement, because deep inside, on an unconscious level, they are very afraid to experience shame. In many works devoted to the analysis of personality types along the narcissistic spectrum, it is written that their greatest fear is to realize their own embarrassment. These heroes will do anything not to come face to face with this feeling, because if the narcissist realizes that he is ashamed to be weak, not successful, incompetent, withdrawn, then he will have to admit that he is that. Such an opening is not safe for him.

Arrogance

It would be more legitimate to classify this form as self-improvement, but it has its own special mechanism. People very keenly notice shameful actions in other people and demonstrate their obvious disgust for them: "My colleagues are such hypocrites!" This is a typical projection. The qualities that the subject denies in himself, since they are very shameful, are assigned to those around him.

Shamelessness

In order to cope with their intense stress about intense embarrassment, some become very defiant, bulging their "feigned indifference to the social framework." But all this is a mask, since it does not get rid of the sensation itself. It can only be experienced by acknowledging it.

How to deal with toxic shame?

Basically, such work is recommended to be done next to an experienced and competent specialist, since he is able to perform a role similar to the image of a mother or father for the person who applied. The described feeling is "cured" only by acceptance. It arose because of its absolute absence. How does this work in the framework of individual psychotherapy? In the process of work, the psychologist initially does not seek to evaluate and somehow react to the client's actions. His task is simply to be near, to be present, to make it clear that any of his manifestations "do not spit."

Most likely, the person who applied for a long time will not trust such manifestations, in anticipation of assessment, condemnation. It’s a long job, trying to live the real experience of acceptance over and over again. After a while, but the client begins to trust. Group psychotherapy is also recommended for people with a toxic form of shame, as it is a small model of society. There it will be possible to constantly receive feedback from other people, but all this will take place under the control and support of a leading psychologist, who will definitely not remain indifferent to the vulnerable sides of each participant.

”The topic of shame was raised. Today we will try to answer the question - what is shame?

Definition in psychology:

Shame is an emotion that arises as a result of a person's awareness of the real or imaginary inconsistency of his actions or certain individual manifestations with the norms adopted in a given society and shared by it, the requirements of morality. Shame can be related to the behavior or manifestation of personality traits of others, usually close people (shame for another). Shame is experienced as self-dissatisfaction, condemnation, or self-blame. The desire to avoid such experiences is a powerful motive of behavior aimed at self-improvement, acquiring knowledge and skills, and developing abilities. Different people have different thresholds of shame, due to value orientations, the orientation of each person and the associated sensitivity to the opinions and assessments of the people around them. By focusing the subject's attention on his own actions and qualities, shame contributes to the development of self-awareness, self-control, self-criticism and is considered the most reflective emotion. By increasing the subject's sensitivity to the assessments of the people around him, shame participates in the regulation of communication (facilitating or hindering interpersonal contacts). Shame is a completely socially conditioned emotion that is formed in ontogenesis in the course of the conscious assimilation of ethical norms and rules of behavior of a particular social system, a particular culture.

A question that has such an extensive answer in psychology prompted students to ask it in the Spiritual Healing course:

The feeling of shame has been activated lately. Shame is formed along with guilt, anger, resentment and fear, so shame is a sin? Can the need to hide and withdraw into oneself be a consequence of shame? Does the awareness of shame lead to the awakening of conscience?

The teacher Elena Nikolaevna Kuzmina answers (0:06:42):

What is shame? Shame is the same guilt. The difference between them is that guilt is not manifested and not material, while shame, on the contrary, is manifested and material. Shame and guilt are not different categories of emotional manifestation, they are halves of one whole, only one unmanifest is at the level of the soul, and the other is manifested in the material world. When the soul is to blame, it becomes uncomfortable, which in the material world looks like shame.

How does wine appear? Guilt arises at the level for certain actions or events performed (for example, abortion, alcoholism, death of someone, rude behavior towards loved ones or partners). In the complete absence of recognition of one's own injustice and an attempt to shift the responsibility for one's actions to another person, condemnation is connected, followed by an encroachment on the right of everyone to have freedom in everything.

The resulting shame can be disassembled by associative links and understand exactly what exactly you are ashamed of. To do this, you need to take a piece of paper, a pen and write in the following order: wine, then see the thoughts that will appear after the question "why is the fault?", Perhaps someone offended, under "what was lying?" - anger, after the manifestation of anger appears, because the subconscious always clearly knows that for this it can "fly" back, hence the fear. And this whole complex of mental problems in the material world falls out as shame, because the soul is ashamed and painful because of its wrong.

The need to hide and withdraw into oneself may well be a consequence of shame. Because if there is guilt, a person feels it, most often without admitting even to himself that he is insolvent, relieving himself of responsibility for incontinence, inability and unwillingness to listen to the interlocutor, sinking to verbal delirium, instead of honing the ability to listen to mastery. The soul feels the true state of affairs, it cannot be deceived by the words that we pronounce.

"Does the awareness of shame lead to the awakening of conscience?" - it would be more correct to say "Awareness of one's own guilt leads to the awakening of conscience." Conscience is the torment of the soul from the realization of its own guilt. Therefore, "Awareness of guilt leads to torment of the soul." The soul suffers even without awareness, but when a person realizes all the scales to the end, then it begins to suffer. Take care of your soul by increasing the level of awareness in thoughts and actions!

A shame for me is to sink into the ground.

I want to test it, probably because I personally think: if I'm ashamed, then I have a conscience. I can’t say that I don’t want to experience shame, I probably don’t want to do any more actions after which I am ashamed.

How I run away or suppress shame - I close myself, self-isolation, or ignore my shame, as if I experience it in parallel.

In a sense of shame, I think, I always admit to myself, not always - to other people.

I would like, experiencing shame, to accept myself and, probably, still understand that I am not perfect.

I am often ashamed, but I feel ashamed for other people!

I do not want to live this feeling, especially for arrogant and arrogant people!

I am also ashamed in front of my parents for my "kuralesinya" in the "stick"!

Something like this. I don't know what to write anymore ...

Shame is when I feel uncomfortable in front of someone for what I have done, I don’t want to see this person, or I don’t want to talk about this act of mine.

I don’t want to feel this feeling because it’s unpleasant. And I want, because it makes you analyze your actions and change.

I cultivate shame when I analyze events and relate them to generally accepted principles.

I run away and muffle this feeling - when I “freeze” from the person in front of whom I am ashamed.

I will try to make amends for the action and look decent, and admit my mistakes: "Yes, I behaved wrong."

I am not afraid to admit it to myself and others and am ready to change.

A very unpleasant feeling for me.

My grandmother was an old believer and raised me in severity. All the time she told me: "This is not allowed - this is shame, then it is not possible - also shame." Looking a boy in the eye is a shame. Running in a short skirt is a shame. A girl can't wear shorts - it's a shame.

Sex education for me was generally taboo. This was the greatest sin and shame. It so happened that at the age of 5 I was raped by a man whom I knew well. He was my friend's grandfather. But since my grandmother instilled in me that there could be no worse sin than rapprochement with a man, and this grandfather threatened that he would tell everyone that at that age I had become "unclean." I closed myself. I have never experienced such shame in my life. I ran into the garden, climbed onto my beloved apple tree and cried there for 5 hours. And I promised myself that I would never tell anyone what this man did to me. And for more than 30 years I carried this pain in myself until I got to rehabilitation, and there I opened up. There they explained to me that it was not my fault, and that I was not “dirty”.

And for today - a feeling of shame keeps pace with me constantly. I constantly feel like I'm naked. I'm shy and ashamed all the time. I have learned, it seems to me, to hide this feeling, at least outwardly, but not always. The feeling of shame, if strong, covers me like a shell. I just shut up and put my head low. And shame so paralyzes me that my voice is lost and I cannot speak.

Shame for me is a negative feeling of condemnation or rejection of myself, my actions, thoughts, desires. Shame is the feeling that I feel when I myself or other people condemn me, and I agree with this condemnation, I consider it fair. That is, shame is a reaction to fair judgment. Somewhat similar to guilt, but not so destructive.

It's a shame when you promise something and don't do it. It's a shame when you accidentally show yourself to be ignorant in a society of cultured people, or when everyone behaves decently, but you don't, and then you look at yourself through their eyes and think: "How could I say / do this?" It's a shame to blurt out something out of place that suddenly shows you the worst side. It's a shame when there is no erection at the right moment. It's a shame when there is an erection at an unnecessary moment. It's a shame to cry, to be weak, not to control physiological functions, for example, to fart loudly and crap on the subway. I am ashamed to admit some of my desires. It's a shame if you are caught masturbating.

Shame is when others learn something about you that you know about yourself, but want to hide from others, and sometimes even from yourself, because you consider it to characterize you from the bad side. Shame is always a kind of sick remorse, recognition of oneself as “wrong”, condemnation of oneself due to non-compliance with certain standards or concepts “SHOULD be this way”, “SHOULD do this”. It's a shame when you hurt a person because of your uncontrollable emotions (yell, offend, "prick").

Shame - a feeling of embarrassment caused by the realization (understanding) of one's unseemly, deed, action, behavior, position, moral state, involvement in this and that, and so on.

Shame is a type of moral consciousness that influences emotional life. A person has a natural tendency to experience feelings of embarrassment caused by the exposure of any immoral act. This is the fear of losing respect in the eyes of those before whom a person has dropped his dignity.
archimandrite Platon (Igumnov)

Shame is the ability of a person to weigh their actions and thoughts in accordance with conscience.In Russia they said: "In whom there is God, in that is also shame." "God kill the shame, everything will be okay." "You can't wear your face without shame." "In whom is shame, in that is also conscience." "It's time and shame to know." "Shame is the same death."
This popular understanding of shame is entirely based on the Orthodox faith. The Lord placed shame as one of the guardians of His law in the soul, so that it would prevent the repetition of sin and urge people to strive in repentance towards the lost grace of God. Holy Scripture testifies that shame arises in our soul in every case when we resist the mercy of God towards us, forget God (), rejoice in the misfortune of our neighbor or glorify ourselves before him (). A person is ashamed when he hates the righteous () or dares to oppress his brother (). Our spiritual nature tries to melt the coldness of the heart with a feeling of shame, that is, strong embarrassment from realizing that we are wrong. Shame, therefore, makes us realize the spiritual and moral misfortune that we find ourselves in by committing a sin. He draws our hearts to the realization of the cause of this misfortune, self-reproach, repentance for what we have done - an internal confession before conscience, to the correction of sinful life, to zeal for the glory and grace of God. Fallen Adam incorrectly responded to the manifestation of this feeling in his soul, when he “hid” from God, for him shame did not serve to accept the saving grace of repentance, but confirmed him in disobedience to God. According to the wise remark of Jesus, the son of Sirakhov, each person should watch the time and keep himself from evil, so as not to be ashamed of his soul, for "there is shame that leads to sin, and there is shame - glory and grace" (). According to this remark, when shame appears, we should not hide from God, but go to Him for forgiveness and grace for correction (Arch. G. Nefedov).
“Shame,” according to B.C. Solovyov, is a natural conscience, and conscience is a public shame. " Shame is a good and healthy feeling. Shame gives life (M.E.Saltykov-Shchedrin).
The Russian people have many proverbs about shame. In addition to those already mentioned above, it should be called: "It is better to incur a loss on the hryvnia than on the altyn of shame"; “For shame my head is dying”; "Burned out of shame"; “What we fear is what we are ashamed of.”
Folk proverbs condemn shameless people: "No shame, no lousy in any direction"; "Shame under the heel, but conscience under the sole"; "I became full (rich), so took shame"; "Ashamed, but satisfying"; "The first gift in the family, if there is no shame in the eyes"; “We lived, we lived, but we didn't have any shame”; "Shameless eyes and smoke is numb."
O. Platonov

Shame is a property of the human soul. Shame is different. There is shame from the realization of one's sinfulness, which leads to repentance, and there is shame from the fear of confessing one's sins (false shame). Then it leads to cowardly cowardice, to default about what happened to us.
What is shame? This is the reaction of moral feelings to internal discord, to some kind of violation of the order of life. Before the Fall, people did not know such a thing. For their nature was filled with inner harmony, presupposing the power of the spiritual principle over the instinctive principle. This harmony disintegrated - and people, feeling an inner discord in their souls, felt shame.
metropolitan Kirill (Gundyaev)

The worst thing is to destroy the shame
I. Ya.Medvedeva

Russian culture is very chaste, because it is deeply Orthodox. Here Orthodoxy was perceived not formally, but with all the pores of the soul. It did not just lay down on the prepared soil, but penetrated deeply into this soil.

— At the core - purity, chastity…
- When you are at a wedding in the village, you hear wedding songs, they resemble funeral laments. I asked myself the question: why? Because innocence is mourned, purity is buried. This is such a value that she is mourned like a dead person. And when, with all this, the children began to be told that everything was not ashamed, the murder of children's souls took place. As a psychologist, I want to emphasize: the worst thing is to destroy shame, because the main property that determines the mental norm is the feeling of shame in intimate matters. And it is this feeling that is diligently destroyed. Does this mean that children and the whole people are being corrupted? Yes of course. But you can look at it from a different angle: this is a massive mental disability. By showing people shamelessness in the intimate sphere as a new standard of behavior, the whole country is being turned into severe invalids. They say that now a new life and everything is different. What's new in that? What's new in sodom? Sodom was swept off the face of the earth by God, and in this place is the Dead Sea. There is still no life, not a single bacterium lives there.

- If now it is not somehow stopped, what can all this result in?
- In the suppression of the kind. We will not have a country. Such dehumanized children will not be able to continue the race. After all, accustoming to shamelessness in the intimate sphere affects the entire psyche, and therefore the entire fate of a person, the entire structure of life. It is no longer quite human: a being who knows what safe sex is will never know what true love is. During my trip to Germany, I remember one young man who said: "You have happy young people." I asked: "How are they happy?" He replied, "They can know true love." "Why can't you?" I asked. "Because we were educated." I pretended not to understand this connection and asked one more question: "Why is this so incompatible?" He was even offended: “You’re a psychologist, don’t you understand? Either you know about erogenous zones or you see an unearthly creature in a girl. One thing. But it doesn't happen together. ” This was in 1994. And this kind of "enlightenment" came here. Now, from childhood, our young people have been robbed of the most beautiful secret that lies ahead at a young age: the secret of unearthly romantic love. This is a disgusting burglary ... An adult exists in order not to condone the evil that a child is drawn to, and even more so not to teach him evil. Can we live in peace with such massive corruption? After all, we betray these little ones - defenseless people whom we are called to protect, to do everything for the salvation of the soul.

- What is the way out? What is needed to prevent the Dead Sea from splashing in our country too?
- I think everyone can do a lot in their place. Experience shows that if you raise a noise, even a small one, it gives a very good effect. But the protest is still weak. Here in Moscow, gay clubs are opened sometimes right next to the oldest churches. People sigh, and they are convinced that they must be tolerant.

- Have there been any protests?
- There were, but nothing ended ... I think that if not only a handful of especially active Orthodox people, but all Muscovites or all Orthodox people took to the streets, homosexuals, perhaps, would have thought ...
But people are very confused. All this causes a state of shock that looks like lack of will. But this state must pass, because if you do not wake people up, wait for them to wake up, you can lose the country. Then there will be no need to go out into the streets. I think you need to follow the Russian proverb: act as you should, and it will be as God willing. As for prayer, you should always pray. And we must often remember the saying, if I’m not mistaken, of Thomas Aquinas: “You need to pray as if everything depends only on God, but you need to do it as if everything depends only on you”.

Genesis clearly tells us that the first feeling our first parents experienced after the Fall was shame. Shame is the core of the human psyche. If it is destroyed, then all the other shells simply disappear. Sexual promiscuity, lies, betrayal, theft and other vices in the modern world are becoming the norm.