It is impossible to consider teenage lies without context and understanding of the theory of lies in principle.
The norms of behavior and social foundations of modern society indicate that lying is not good. Indeed, it is much easier to live and enter into relationships with people based on truth and sincerity. When everything is honest, there is no need to invent or remember anything.

By telling the truth, people learn to trust each other, make peace quickly and quarrel less over trifles.

A world without lies seems like an ideal world where harmony and mutual understanding reign. In fact, an “honest world” is a utopia.

Each of us lies several times every day without even noticing it. We also do not notice the lies of other people. We hide the unpleasant truth by veiling it with silence or moving on to another topic.

Lying is as common for a person as talking or thinking in general.

Undoubtedly, there are people prone to lying, there are more honest people for whom it is very difficult to lie. Both of them have their own personal psychological characteristics, due to which the tendency to lie or suppress information is determined. What are these psychological characteristics and why do people lie?

Lying is a conscious or unconscious concealment of information for a specific purpose.

Hiding information should be understood as concealing, fantasizing, inventing, or falsehood of some person. It is important to note that lying can only be done in tandem with Another. That is, at least two people are involved in the process of lying, one of whom is lying, and the other reacts or should react to the lie in a certain way (expected). What's important here? The important thing is that a person lies in order to get some kind of reaction to his words from another. The reaction of another can be anything: pity, material reward, profitable cooperation, attention, pleasure, sexual pleasure, lack of punishment for an offense, etc.

Thus, lying is one of the ways to get the desired reaction. Of course, there is the opposite way - to tell the truth. But in life, this method often does not work. If a person understands, based on previous experience, that in truth he will not be able to achieve what he wants, he will go the other way - lie.

In addition to the desire to receive something from another, lying has such a characteristic as fear. There is a component of fear in any lie. Fear of telling the truth.

Telling the truth is scary when the reaction to it is negative or something that the person does not want to receive.

For example, 16-year-old Ivan stole money from his father. Spent it on going to the cinema with friends. Naturally, he didn’t confess to anyone. When the theft was noticed, he dodged as best he could and did not admit to what he had done.

The situation seems to be common and widespread among teenagers. Yes, modern youth and all that... But the view of a psychologist can clarify some of the nuances in the motivation of this teenager.

As we found out, Ivan committed theft and lied about the fact that it was he who was guilty. Why did he lie if, firstly, it was possible to initially ask for money for a movie, and secondly, if it happened, then you can simply confess and ask for forgiveness, therefore, not do that again?

Based on the definition of lying as the fear of telling the truth due to the expectation of negativity from the Other, it follows that our Ivan:

• Firstly, he stole money because his parents simply did not give the teenager pocket money, but he really wanted to go to the cinema, like any normal guy of his age.
• Secondly, if he admitted to the theft, he would receive a fist from his father in the head and other parts of the body, since his father had previously used physical force for educational purposes. Thus, the teenager’s experience told him the likelihood of beatings was 100% guaranteed.

Therefore, according to Ivan, the methods of truth would not work and he decided to lie, which in this particular case is a completely logical justification for his lie.

It follows from this that lies in themselves do not exist. A lie is always in the context of a specific person, the circumstances of his present and past, his needs and desire to receive something.

Thus, The reasons for teenage lies, like any other lies, are:

1. The desire to obtain something that cannot be obtained by telling the truth;
2. Fear of receiving a negative reaction from Another to the truth

If the whole family had decided that it would be possible for Ivan to have pocket money, then he would not have to steal it from his father. If Ivan’s father had not let go, then the teenager would most likely have confessed to what he had done.

If you are faced with the fact that your teenage child or the child of your loved ones is lying, the following tips will certainly help you cope with the problem very effectively.

Don't set a bad example yourself

“Don’t raise a child, he will still be like you. Educate yourself."

This catchphrase perfectly demonstrates the main tenet of raising children - teaching by example.

If lying is a piece of cake in your family, then don’t be surprised that your teenager will do it just as easily. The family and its internal relationships are a model that the child considers ideal and takes as a basis as the norm of behavior in other social groups: school, with friends, with loved ones.

If it happens that you lied, ask the child for forgiveness. It's not humiliating. It's worthy.

After all, you show and teach a little person to cope with lies! Well, yes, it so happened that they lied. It would be better to tell the truth, but if this is what happened, then you should apologize. And you will be forgiven. In this way, you show that telling the truth is not scary, that nothing will happen for it, it is honest and worthy.

Don't scold, but clarify the reason

Teenagers don't just lie. There is a reason.

If your child lied to you and you punished him, but did not find out the true reason for the lie, this is a guarantee that the act will be repeated.

This means that the child needs something, but you don’t know what. Your reprimands and punishments will not remove this need.

Calmly talk to your child and find out why he was afraid to tell the truth. When you hear the answer, don’t start lecturing, but accept it. These are your child’s inner experiences and fears. Yes, he made a mistake, but this is your child.

Listen, and then go think about how you can change the situation and give the teenager what he wants based on his capabilities. Next, voice your options for resolving the issue to the child. He needs to see that you care.

Accept your child for who he is

Teenagers often lie because do not meet their parents' expectations. Each of us wants to be good, wants to please others, to be loved and understood.

If in the process of life a child sees and feels that, as he is, he is not accepted, but wants to improve all the time, then he will lie. To appear better than he really is.

In the future, such a person puts on a mask that he will not take off for the rest of his life.

You shouldn’t hope for quick re-education; it can be done faster in 5 years, but here the case is quite advanced.
If you want to “get into” someone else’s family, “tread on a sore spot” and become “enemy No. 1”, advise:
1. Try not to believe and control everything. I understand that work, problems, etc. etc., so what, throw it away like a boring toy?
2. When identifying a case of lying, don’t “sand” for an hour - he’ll get used to it, but show that he’s caught and that’s it - it’ll work out for many.
3. Don’t his peers beat him for lying? They will! If the boy is big and doesn’t “get around” with his peers, the older guys will teach - after all, it’s not only your friend who suffers, but also everyone with whom he communicates. Let him prepare for this, sometimes it works.
4. Don't give a reason to lie. Don’t lie to yourself, we sometimes lie for a “good cause.” “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
5. Let the friend talk to a person he trusts and who can tell him “everything he thinks about him.” Maybe, and most likely, the problem is with the parents; the child is our copy! If it is a “normal” phenomenon in a family to discuss friends and neighbors, while embellishing it “for the sake of expression” - everyone, of course, will find it funny, but children learn to lie!
6. It is very influential if the family puts itself above society - we either need to change society or “not show off” ourselves.
7. In general, there are a lot of reasons. Remove the cause first, and then fight the effect. Vice versa never will not work!

If you mean “lie in advance,” then after some time, and very little, you will understand what a stupid mistake you made. This is such a push forward in the child’s mind that his actions are correct. This principle is possible for an adult (but not in front of a child), but is absolutely unacceptable when raising children!

26.11.2006, 11:05

Constantly catch and force to confess, or simply expose, but in such a way that it would be embarrassing. I, at the age of 10-12 years old, could also lie, but my mother will split anyone +) For several years now, I simply cannot dare to lie, even in small things. And it’s more likely not a matter of fear that everything will come to light, but simply a matter of conscience. The eight-year-old brother was subjected to cunning psychological experiments a couple of times, during which he either confessed himself or got confused in his lies, and hardly noticed it during the conversation. Now he is afraid to lie, because he knows that his mother will immediately expose him, she is smarter, wiser, more cunning, etc.

26.11.2006, 13:53

This is a very successful case when, although it seems that the child has “outgrown the disease,” this is not at all the case. The smartest mommy “cured”! Sometimes it seems to us that it’s okay, the child will “outgrow it.” Maybe so, but it happens much more often that adults already lie with or without reason, and when you catch them, they dodge as best they can, calling it “politics”, “psychology”, etc. In general, they talk all sorts of nonsense, but its name is a lie! It is very difficult to work with them as colleagues.

26.11.2006, 14:44

The country really needs such children...how are we without politicians???

vlad_ukr In general, I explained everything clearly, and now I’m trying to apply my newfound skill in dealing with liars...

26.11.2006, 17:01

Thank you for rating. And I'm interested to know if these skills help you. They help me a lot with both children and adults.
And one more important point: the sooner you catch a child lying and show how bad it is (not with lectures, but with how he “sat in a puddle” after lying), the sooner you will discourage the desire to lie to you. By the way, this works for adults too!
P.S. But politicians don’t lie, they make history that future generations will study.

Valeria Alekseevna

26.11.2006, 17:22

I had a period of lying as a child. I quickly brought him to light, and at the same time I naturally began to shake (the lies were minor things, absolutely unnecessary - just to lie). Because mom is scary when she’s angry, and lying didn’t make sense, because... was exposed, it quickly stopped.

26.11.2006, 21:13

Thank you all very much. The case is really neglected. I, too, can easily recognize lies in my children, but I don’t know how to help him, a lot, of course, comes from the family, and they have their own problems.

26.11.2006, 22:04

It’s okay, he’ll soon learn to lie so hard that he won’t be able to figure it out. It is the matter of time.
And, besides, deception is sometimes very useful for business in some situations in order to achieve some result, even if the deception is later revealed, it is no longer scary, because the result has already been achieved.

28.11.2006, 12:16

Tatik contact a family psychologist with special training in family psychotherapy. Absentee advice is unlikely to help. Write to PM, I’ll tell you.

10.12.2006, 23:19

Insi, I would really like to find such a family psychologist, if you have a phone number, I would be very grateful!

10.12.2006, 23:52

If the child was younger, then the belt would be good.
And it’s already useless to hit.

10.12.2006, 23:53

Break a fucking awesome pussy...

It depends on how you hit it... Well, it’s not like the slate would blow away...
Well, to humiliate the kid some more...

11.12.2006, 18:22

Hoot You also suggested lowering it
Not childish methods:_)))

11.12.2006, 19:14

Hoot, poor fellow, this is probably exactly what they did to you

11.12.2006, 20:43

I'm also not a fan of long notations. There is very little benefit from them for a baby, and even less for an older one. It’s easier and more accessible to spank the butt. And it gets there faster, and the strength can be adjusted - my hand hurts. But you shouldn’t use a belt if you don’t want to leave your child disabled. Well, beating never helped with lying.

11.12.2006, 20:45

Is it possible to spoil the pukel??

11.12.2006, 20:49

Did you enjoy feeling this pleasure?

11.12.2006, 21:06

In fact, a belt is a great way to teach discipline, at least it helped me as a child =) Naturally, don’t beat a child half to death, well, spanking a couple of times is useful (of course, if the child is a guy, I have no idea how to treat girls =0) True, at the age of 14 it’s too late to educate with a belt, here you are practically an adult, you yourself must understand where you can lie and where you can’t

16.12.2006, 0:53

My sister also has a similar problem. When she catches a child (10 years old) in a lie, she gives him a belt, explaining that this is not for what he tried to cover up with this lie, but directly for the fact of lying. Moreover, the punishment for lying is always stronger. Let's say he gets a bad grade and lies that everything is fine at school. Usually, for a bad grade he will not face such a severe punishment. On Friday they give out all the grades for the week and he gets caught lying. So for a lie he gets a much bigger star than for a “2”. Slowly, this policy is giving positive results.

Much also depends on who your child communicates with. Pay attention to what kind of friends he has. If in his company lying to parents is cool, then this is a complete disaster and it will be much more difficult to wean him from lying.

16.12.2006, 11:15

It is very difficult to influence the choice of friends “Forbidden fruit is always sweet!” Re-educating an entire people is even more difficult. In my opinion, a child should understand where lies work and where they don’t. Act selectively, so to speak. Yes, this leads, to some extent, to duplicity. But, I think that if a person allows himself to be lied to, then this is a problem for this individual, and not for the rest of the world. Even if your child is crystal honest everywhere, then under the influence of the “environment” this “unpleasant” trait will quickly pass. Who wants to be the “black sheep”?

16.12.2006, 22:18

Dodik, now your sister is just sowing. He will be horrified by what he reaps.

17.12.2006, 17:07

Why be horrified??? Explain if you're not too lazy. I was raised that way too, and I don’t seem to look like a moral monster.

vlad_ukr" you are absolutely right - it is difficult to influence the choice of a teenager’s immediate circle, but it is possible. We must try to do this not intrusively and preferably unnoticed. You can try to lower the authority, in the eyes of a teenager, of that person with whom he “does not need to communicate.” Talk about him various funny, unpleasant and simply disgraceful stories. (The main thing is that the stories are true, otherwise your child will not believe you. And almost any story can be presented shamefully). If you think carefully, you can come up with something else. The situation is more complicated if the whole The child’s company consists of “difficult ones.” In this case, it’s definitely better to see a psychologist.

17.12.2006, 20:22

Of course, you are not a freak, just a person who, like others, has some cognitive distortions in your model of the world. This is confirmed by your desire to give such advice.

In all this, the last sentence is the truest.

18.12.2006, 3:40

Perhaps you are right. I'm not a pro at raising children, but this is what I would do. This is my personal opinion and I am not going to impose it on anyone. And I have no “desire” to give advice. It’s just that, if I’m not mistaken, the topic is about education, and I gave an example from the life of a person close to me. Whoever deems it necessary will use this information, and if you need a professional opinion, then you should not turn to the forum.

18.12.2006, 19:56

Insi, reading your posts, I clearly understand that the cognitive distortions in your model of the world almost completely DO NOT coincide with the distortions in my model... For example, the mental use of professional terminology outside the professional environment suggests that you are trying not so much to answer on the merits, but show how smart you are...
And cognitivist theories in psychology, as far as I remember, are not the only ones and certainly not the only correct ones... As far as I remember, the concept of “a belt for lying” fits quite well into behaviorist theories...

18.12.2006, 20:30

Thanks for support. I understand little about psychology, much less the terms, and Insi’s statements didn’t understand much, but I get the impression that this is a student of some economics department with a short course in psychology, who has put a textbook in front of the computer and is being clever. I am a lawyer by training and I can also wrap up two or three sentences here, which will take 30-40 minutes to figure out with a dictionary. But in everyday life I don’t use professional terms and don’t recommend them to others.

18.12.2006, 23:06

Ven Sinn, del
Dodik, laughed

19.12.2006, 0:05

Oh, I laughed... It directly follows from this post that there was a time when you urgently needed my assessment...
I’m judging you as a psychologist based on this post as well. And you can still believe that you have a piece of paper on psychological education (and maybe even more than one), but it’s hard to believe that you are a good psychologist.

He laughed again, but this time harder. What does this have to do with it?..
Insi, if I suddenly need advice on who and how I should lead, from a person who claims to be a PRACTICAL psychologist, but at the same time does not know how to build the simplest communication, I will turn to you...

P.s. In this post, as in the previous one, there is not a word on the topic...

19.12.2006, 1:29

Insi, sorry... but I completely agree with

and the most interesting thing is... in almost all the topics where I see you... don’t you find it strange?

Princess

19.12.2006, 16:54

19.12.2006, 17:04

but nothing strange, why should a smart person hide it? Moreover, her profession is to teach people, to guide them on the right path, and it is ugly to judge her professionalism by her posts. first get to know her as a psychologist, and then you can speak out, maybe it turns out that she has every reason to consider herself smart

19.12.2006, 17:24

but, excuse me, in my opinion, it’s ugly to attack people disrespectfully... and at the same time in such a fundamental way, as if you were greatly offended in childhood and in general throughout life... and you grew up and now you think: “well, I’m everyone now"... you might think that we are to blame for this.

If only the girl could moderate her ardor... be more respectful with people... especially since she is a psychologist. He turns out to be a painfully angry and aggressive psychologist, don’t you think?

The teenager is lying. What to do? First of all, pull yourself together and don’t freak out. Understand the reasons. Find out what caused it.

But going ahead is a failure. For a conversation you need to choose the time, environment and mood. If all conditions match, mutual understanding is guaranteed.

Adults nearby, wise and understanding, is the dream of every child. A child or a teenager, it doesn’t matter.

That very frightening moment of the first big lie

There comes a time when parents catch a teenager lying. If the habit of lying did not appear at an earlier age, then this becomes a shock for loved ones. It seems that you can no longer trust a person who deceives on an everyday level; it seems that you can no longer believe a single word.

It’s especially scary if this person is your flesh and blood. Here he was small, obedient or not very, so close and understandable. And suddenly the stranger is frightening.

A teenager is lying - what to do?

We will not now consider pathological lies with or without reason. If you react correctly to the first manifestations of deception, then the lies will not become global and permanent.

Parents wish only the best for the teenager and want to keep his life under control for as long as possible. Alas. A young person has his own affairs related to relationships with peers or those that it is better not for adults to know about. But lies have short legs. The secret has become clear.

And here punishment or an outburst of anger can seriously harm mutual understanding between the closest people. You will have to accept that the child has risen to a new stage in his maturation and try to find out the reasons for the lies.

FEATURES OF A TEENAGER'S PERCEPTION OF THE AROUND WORLD

It's worth knowing a few things about adolescence.

Adolescence starts from 13 years old to 15 years old. At least this is the generally accepted scale. This period is characterized by harsh judgments. Criticism towards others is off the charts. He treats himself almost tragically. Everything in this world is complicated. So much so that a lot of conflicts with peers, teachers and parents overcome a critical point and turn into war. Not everyone is a warrior by nature. For many, it is simpler and easier to lie than to prove that you are right to your parents or someone else.

Teenagers 13-14 years old

The most difficult period of human development. Everything is perceived very sharply, without halftones. The critical assessment is off the charts. Every act of adults, as if under a magnifying glass, is magnified many times over. Each step or requirement is assessed on a maximum scale. But the attitude towards oneself is also highly critical. Some withdraw into themselves and become isolated, others enter into confrontation with everyone around them.

Teenager 14 years old

Evaluating the behavior and beliefs of friends, adults, and one’s own takes on meaningful forms. It begins to be based on the foundation of the formation of the character of a maturing individual. The teenager becomes more sociable, but at the same time he is inclined to join some groups that seem close to him in beliefs and inclinations.

Teenager 15 years old

Almost an adult. He considers himself completely free and independent. Zealously defends his own right to actions, opinions and behavior. Expresses himself in clothing, manners and behavior. Very susceptible to influence from those whom he considers worthy of respect. This applies to outsiders - peers or an established collective community. Alas, this almost does not apply to parents. Most often, parents are perceived as an annoying obstacle to complete freedom.

TEENAGE DISCUSSIONS AND LIES

Let's imagine a situation where a conflict between teenage boys must be resolved through an “arrow” (a term from the lexicon of teenagers), that is, a meeting in a pre-agreed place and at a certain time.

As a rule, such disputes are collective and not always peaceful. Arguments and fights are possible. Is it possible to tell your parents that you are going to such a showdown? Most parents will try to intervene and not let him in.

A teenager cannot fail to attend such a meeting - the shame and condemnation of friends and enemies is much worse than parental anger. The code of honor, sometimes very original, has not been canceled.

Then an urgent matter comes up with classmate Petya (Vanya, Misha), usually related to studies (take an essay, take a textbook, prepare homework together).

By hook or by crook, a teenager escapes from home and returns dirty, overexcited or beaten.

It turns out that the parents were deceived, there was no talk of any lessons, but an event took place that threatened the health of their precious offspring. If they had known, they would never have let him go! They would have laid bones at the threshold.

After all, this is a suitable reason to call for frankness. It's time to have a heart-to-heart talk. Find out whether the reason for the “arrow” was worthy, who was able to prove what to whom.

Is the hostility over or will it continue? Depending on the severity of the reason and consequences, take action. But those that cannot damage the teenager’s reputation in any way.

Let your emotions spill out, not the parent’s, but your grown child’s. Wait until the wave of excitement subsides and let him speak. Chaotic, hot. Only then can you say your opinion, if it is at all appropriate and necessary.

Have a conversation, carefully find out the composition of the warring parties and whose side your offspring was on. Understand the cause of the conflict. And, even if it seems unfair and stupid to you, keep your assessment to yourself. But a debriefing wouldn't hurt.

Ask him not to hide where he is going and why. In return, promise not to put up any obstacles. Understand and penetrate the laws of the world in which a teenager lives. Even if you don’t like a lot of things, accept it.

This is a social environment in which the ability to adapt in society is formed, this is a world that is not chosen, but which exists around different age groups. We all have to defend our interests and defend our values ​​throughout our lives. In different ways, by the way.

A reasonable reaction of parents to a teenager’s lies will prevent the snowball of alienation from growing or the crack between you from widening for the rest of your life. Nothing can replace parental love and wisdom, even if during this period of adolescence, your child sees lying as the only way to escape care and gain freedom. How he understands her.

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Sadly, most often the reason for lying is fear of punishment.

Few teenagers willingly admit their guilt and are not afraid to take full responsibility for their offense. And if there is an opportunity to escape punishment, then why not take advantage of it?

Parents, if your child deceived you, it is very important:

• Do not shout! The most important thing is that you don’t have to immediately shout, promise to punish, and so on! It will only get worse!
• Show that it's better to be honest. We need to make it clear that not lying is “more profitable” and safer than lying! Ask yourself - are you punishing your children too much? Is their punishment always deserved? If the reason for lying is fear of punishment, then the child will gradually stop lying when he realizes that there is no danger. I talked a lot about punishments in the article on.

To help a teenager stop lying out of fear, you can do this:

1. Verify the deception- if “guilt” has not yet been proven, then it must first be proven. You can ask directly: “It seems to me that you are not telling the truth, is that true?” Or find out by “indirect” signs in a conversation. It's more complicated, and to me it's not very fair.
2. Promise not to punish- if the lie is obvious and exposed, then first promise not to punish him. Just ask to talk.
3. Find out the reason- discuss the situation inside and out, find out the reasons for his behavior. There will most likely be a problem here. It is unlikely that a teenager will confess and speak frankly so easily.
4. Show consequences- explain what happened because of his lies. Tell us your opinion - how it really was, and ask to correct the story so that it is true.
5. Tell me about your feelings - that you are offended, that he lied, that you were scared. Only honestly. Your emotions are important, we don't want to upset you. Tell him that it is important to you that he tells the truth.
6. Discuss the situation - Here I’m not talking about the reasons for lying, you have already forgiven the child :). The question is why we had to cheat. If, for example, we are talking about a hidden two, check whether the child understands everything in the last lessons. If necessary, help me understand the topic. If everything is clear, you can find out about the relationship with the teacher, or other reasons for the bad grade.

Teenager cheats “for no reason”

Why does the lie continue?

This may be the case if there were disagreements in the family that led to big conflicts - the child hid communication with friends, grades, and his hobbies. The problem was solved. And the adult seems to “understand and forgive,” but the child is used to hiding it. After all, he previously had to defend himself with lies, but now the need has disappeared, but his consciousness still sees the danger and tries to avoid it.

As a result, the family again faces misunderstanding and lies.

• Here, adults can resign themselves and wait until the child’s habit of hiding becomes unnecessary, even from the point of view of the “militant” consciousness of their child.
• Or talk again, more carefully and reasonably, explain that his lie hurts others, and calmly, without aggression, correct the child every time he starts to lie.

The reason for teenagers' lies that is not visible...

What if the reason for deception is protection, but the child does not want to tell what he is protecting himself from? Or maybe he doesn’t know it himself? I talk a lot with my friends, and I know that this happens...

Such situations drive you into a stupor. You don’t seem to punish, don’t shout, try to encourage the truth, but he lies! But if you think carefully, you can find the answer to this question. Often this is parental disapproval.

Sometimes disapproval is worse than punishment. There is nothing worse than realizing that your actions, actions, preferences do not like your mom and dad... Even if they don’t talk about it openly.

Why is it difficult to deal with disapproval?

It is difficult for adults to correct a situation of disapproval. It is based on personal likes and dislikes. A simple, banal example. Not particularly from real life, but I’ll try to explain it using it.

It may be difficult for a mother to contain her disgust at the fact that her child loves snakes and snails. And he squeezes cats that disgust him instead of cute snails in front of his mother in order to earn approval. And when he goes to his hidden snails, he will have to deceive that he is going to a friend’s house or just going for a walk. But when the truth comes out, you get a whole barrage of criticism and lamentations, saying that you are messing around with slimy worms, and even deceiving. And it seems that the “lie” is not that he is playing with a snail, but that he did not say where he went. And you were afraid you had lost him. And the reason for the deception is that the child was afraid of disapproval.

In such a situation, both parents and child can be understood. Adults also find it unpleasant because of lies, the reason for which is not visible. And the reason is the snails. That is, in disapproval. And then the habit of hiding and hiding what parents don’t like is formed - hobbies, friends, etc.

What does a teenager think about when he cheats?

In his heart he feels guilty because of his upset parents, their disapproval, and because he deceived him. Afraid of punishment. But how can you not deceive if they still swear, or show how irritated they are by your hobby, or simply feel that they are terribly dissatisfied with you?

Before the truth is revealed, it will be possible to prepare yourself and prepare an apology speech. I'll lie - I'll gain time.

Moreover, one always thinks: “What if the truth is never known?” But everything secret becomes clear...

If the reason for lying lies in fear of parental disapproval, or fear of punishment, I believe that you need to pull yourself together, seize the good moment and tell it like it is, without resorting to deception. This way they will see that you trust them. And you will “get it” because of the hidden object itself, and not because of a lie. Or maybe you won’t get it at all. And they will understand you.

1. Communicate warmly with the teenager, talk about feelings. You can play games together, go for walks, read, and talk at the same time. Share your thoughts, explain everything.
2. Respect interests - he may like what you don't like
3. You can openly express your dislike for something, but do not judge your teen's interests.
4. Try not to overdo it, or not to have such conversations immediately after quarrels, especially if the child is offended. After all, then he may deliberately, to spite you, do what you are trying to “scare him away” from.
5. It is advisable not to frighten with stories or pictures of what you don’t want, but to choose the right moment and measure.

The most important thing in a relationship is without lies.

The most important thing in a relationship built without lies is trust. Spend more time with each other, talk more often, laugh, joke. Find common interests, but have the courage to disagree. Arrange pleasant or funny surprises, do something nice not only for the holidays, but also simply from the heart. Trust each other, help without asking for help. Say an “extra” compliment, do an “extra” good deed. Support in your endeavors, even the most daring and reckless ones, and warn about the dangers. Exchange secrets, laugh kindly.

Help at the K.O.T. center - what to do if you are confused

The article turned out to be very frank, honest and deep. I can’t even believe that its author is only 13 years old. And if teenagers are capable of such thoughts, we are sure that it is definitely possible to come to an agreement with them! If you can’t cope with your family on your own, we are always happy to help you. or . We are confident that all your questions will be resolved.

Most teenagers lie to their parents in certain situations. Usually the reason for deception lies in a growing desire for freedom and/or an attempt to avoid trouble. However, researchers say that it is very difficult for parents to determine when their child is lying. Learning to recognize lies is the first step to correcting problematic behavior and restoring trust between you and your child.

Steps

Part 1

Let your teen know that you are aware of the cheating. If you catch your teen lying, you should address the issue and the accompanying behavior (what they lied to you about). In this case, you must behave as carefully as possible. Otherwise, the teenager may be offended by you and stop communicating on other topics.

• Do not show any triumph or satisfaction when the deception is exposed. Your first priority is the safety of your child.
• Report the information as a dry fact. Speak directly and openly, but without aggression.
• Say something like: “I want to discuss something with you. The day before yesterday you told me that _____, but I know for sure that it is not true. I talked to _____ and they told me how it was.”
• Ask your teenager directly what prompted him to lie.

1. Keep your emotions under control. When discussing cheating, it is very important not to lose your temper. The situation is already problematic, and anger or frustration will only make things worse.

   Make your disapproval known. Start by saying that lying hurts you and undermines the trust between you. There is no need to develop a guilt complex in your teenager, but it is very important to convey that cheating negatively affects you personally, as well as your relationships.

   Maintain open communication in the future. The best way to prevent future cheating is to show your teen that you are willing to meet. If your child feels like they can come and tell you about their problems, or admit to inappropriate behavior without getting yelled at, this will build trust between you.

   Establish and enforce penalties for cheating. If your child continues to behave inappropriately and lie about it, then clearly the lesson has not been learned. In this case, it is necessary to enforce the rules and punish the teenager for every case of deception in the future.

   • Tell them what will happen if you catch your child lying again (house arrest, loss of privileges, extra housework, deprivation of pocket money, etc.), and also make this punishment a reality.
   • Never use physical violence as "punishment." Such actions are illegal and immoral, and they destroy the last possibility of a healthy relationship.
   • Most teenagers lack freedom (and many resort to deception to get it). If you limit your teenager's freedom, you will show your child by example that the only way to gain independence is to be honest and behave appropriately.

2. Consider cases of forced lies. Most incorrigible liars try to get something through deception. Often this behavior is motivated by problematic self-esteem. If your teenager constantly lies, even in situations where there is no formal reason for this (he will not gain anything from it or will not escape punishment), then it is time for you to intervene.

3. How to respond to lies that cover up dangerous behavior (drug and alcohol use). Many teenagers go through a phase of experimentation that includes trying alcohol and drugs. Such experiments rarely go unnoticed. Even “low-level” substances like alcohol and marijuana can have serious consequences for your child’s health, especially as the body grows and develops. Accidental use can cause addiction, and any use can cause problems with the law. If your teen is abusing drugs or alcohol, you should have a frank conversation and explain the dangers of such actions, and if this does not correct the situation, then the help of a qualified professional may be required.

   • Lying to cover up illegal or dangerous behavior must be addressed directly. Often the root of a substance use problem lies in depression, anxiety, or self-esteem issues.
   • If your teen is lying about using drugs or alcohol and your conversation is getting nowhere, use the Internet or phone book to find a teen drug addiction specialist in your area.

   Part 2

   How to tell if someone is lying to you

   1. Recognize the most common lies. If you are concerned about the veracity of your child's words, we recommend that you find out what teenagers lie about most often. You can't accuse a child of lying about anything, but knowing the most likely reasons for lying can help prevent problems in the future. Most often, teenagers lie about the following:

      • How do you spend your time?
      • What do you spend your pocket money on?
      • Hanging out with friends who aren't approved by your parents
      • What films do they watch and who do they go to the cinema with?
      • What clothes are worn outside the home
      • Alcohol and/or drug use
      • Driving while intoxicated or being in a car whose driver was intoxicated
      • Going to parties
      • The presence of other adults when going out with friends

   2. Approach the situation with caution. It is not easy to find out that a child is deceiving you, and every suspicion should be considered with great caution. Being overly suspicious of your teen statistically reduces the likelihood of finding out what your child is lying about. If you treat a teenager with suspicion, then you will probably recognize the lie, but you will not be able to find out the true problem and reason.

      • If you accuse a child of lying when he is telling the truth, then the teenager will close himself off from you and may lie in the future.
      • Assess the child's behavior in the context of previous behavior patterns. If he is in trouble (or this is not the first time), then the likelihood of deception increases.
      • Remember that no one lies about everything. You may have suspicions, but you need to understand that the teenager is also telling the truth, so you need to approach the assessment of honesty fairly.

   3. Find ways to test the integrity of your words. Some parents feel awkward trying to catch their child in a lie. But if you have suspicions and want to debunk or confirm them, then you can try to check the story you heard. This way you can establish a baseline of behavior to understand what to expect in the future.

      • If your teen states that they spent the day at their friend's house, you can call that friend's parents and ask them to confirm this fact.
      • You may be tempted to interrogate your teenager to find out the truth. Remember what you hear from him, and then ask follow-up questions to see if your child will stick to the story previously told.
      • Given the above, you must understand that trying to force a teenager into a “trap” will only discourage him from talking openly and honestly with you.
      • Resist the urge to spy on your child or go through his personal belongings. This way you can lose his trust and worsen communication between you.

   4. Report your suspicions. If you catch a teenager lying or simply don’t believe what was said, then tell him about it as directly and calmly as possible. There is no need to lose your temper and accuse of deception; instead, start a conversation about what you heard from your child.

      • Don't interrogate. This can only provoke further deception.
      • Make it clear that you cannot fully believe the story you heard.
      • Provide a way out of the situation. The child may be willing to confess if you promise him the punishment will be waived.
      • You can say the following: “We have every suspicion that you are hiding the truth from us. Are you sure you don’t want to tell us something else and continue to insist on this version of events?”

   Part 3

   How to prevent lying in the future

   1. Be an example of an honest person. Many adults cheat on other adults for the same reasons that teenagers may cheat on you: to avoid problems or to keep doing something you're not supposed to do. Lying to others while you are disciplining your child for lying will set a bad example and make you look like a hypocrite. Instead of lying in an attempt to cover your tracks, try to be open and honest about your actions and motives. Then show your child that this behavior is much more effective than any deception.

      • Try not to tell "white lies."
      • Don't lie to your boss when you're late for work. Apologize and start going to work a little earlier than usual so that the situation does not happen again.
      • Try not to withhold information from your partner. If you behave honestly and openly, then by your example you will show your teenager how such behavior has a positive effect on relationships.
      • Answer your child's prickly questions honestly. Instead of trying to hide your past inappropriate behavior, it is better to tell the truth and admit your own mistake.

   2. Spend more time with your teenager. Many children who are accustomed to deceiving their parents suffer from low self-esteem. A great way to prevent lying in the future is to spend as much time with your child as possible and praise every good deed. Spending time together allows you to better understand your child's life and bond so that he can turn to you for advice. It will also show your interest in the teenager's life and good intentions.

      • Try to spend time with your child every day.
      • Start a genuine conversation about your day and ask questions.
      • You can do things together that your child likes. For example, playing video games, going for a walk in the park, or doing anything else that he likes.

   3. Be the initiator of honest and open communication. When spending time with your child, teach him the importance of honesty and the ability to talk about everything. You don't have to say it directly, but your child should feel that the trust between you allows you to make sure your teen is safe and make the right decisions.

      • Remind that honesty and conscientious behavior helps to strengthen trust between you, and deception only spoils everything.
      • Don't punish your teenager if he comes for advice on how to get out of a difficult situation. This will only dampen his desire to turn to you for help in the future.

   4. Teach your child to solve problems and make the right decisions. If your teen learns to make smart, sound decisions, it reduces the likelihood and need to cheat on you with poor decisions. Those teenagers who understand emotions, control themselves, cope with unpleasant experiences and make informed decisions to solve a problem deserve independence.

      • Teenagers often lie to cover up their bad behavior. If you eliminate such bad behavior, your trust in your child will increase.
      • Encourage open discussion of issues. Your teen needs to know that they can come to you for advice and receive helpful advice without judgment.
      • Teach your child to correctly assess the situation and make informed decisions.
      • It is also important to explain how you can effectively cope with unpleasant experiences.