How not to be jealous of past relationships. Jealousy of ex: "I was fixated on my girlfriend's past relationships." To the past of the wife
Instructions
To begin with, it is worth deciding where the sources of mistrust in a loved one are. When did you first get the feeling? What contributed to this? Perhaps you have often been deceived throughout your life, and now you doubt everyone and everything. Or you lack confidence in yourself. However, it also happens that jealousy for has a basis. Just decide to start.
It is silly if your loved one communicates with a partner with whom he was and from whom he has common children. These people may indeed have questions related to the education, upbringing, maintenance of a son or daughter. It makes no sense to be jealous of these meetings. Moreover, you can always be present at these dates. People cannot have secrets, and your significant other is unlikely to deny you this. In addition, it is always easier to solve emerging issues and problems together.
If your loved one is still in contact with a former partner with whom he was not tied by marriage, there is reason to think. Is your past relationship really finished? After all, if people disperse, it means that they are not interested in together, past love and passion have passed. So what makes them look for meetings over and over again? Most likely, on one side or the other, there are feelings that do not allow you to finally end the former relationship. And it is not known what these meetings will lead to. Chances are good that you will be the third odd person. If such a situation arises in your relationship, you need to immediately resolve this issue. It's not worth pulling, it will be even more painful further. Ask your loved one to share what still connects him with his ex, why they are dating. Explain that this communication is unpleasant for you, that you are worried about the existing relationship. If the person agrees with your reasons and stops any contact with their ex, then everything is fine, he really loves you. And if instead he begins to cheat, play around, but still return to the past by any means, most likely he is not yet ready for a new relationship. What to do in this case is up to you. You can close your eyes to what is happening and pretend that everything is in order. Or stop contact and start looking for someone who will appreciate and respect you.
Do not be jealous of the past if this past only manifests itself in calls with congratulations on your birthday or New Year. This is elementary politeness and there is nothing wrong with that. Instead, get busy developing your current relationship. Diversify dates, communicate more, learn new things together. Travel, love each other, have children. Perfect your union. Then a happy future awaits you, in which there is no place for a dusty past.
Almost every person in a relationship has thought at least once that the chosen one had a personal life before him. Both men and women reflect on this. Where do thoughts about previous relationships of a partner come from, how to overcome jealousy of the past of a wife or husband - the pressing questions that we will give answers to in this article.
Reasons for jealousy of the past
If your partner's past relationship bothers you too much, it could be a serious sign of trouble in your current relationship. Personal inner imbalance can also lead to distrust in a life partner. It is perfectly normal if the past of a loved one intrigues you, because we always try to get to know the person who is next to us as best we can. At the very beginning of a relationship, a man and a woman believe that they are finally meeting halves of a single whole. But then romance is replaced by standard questions, especially if there are small conflicts in the couple:
- What if the past relationship was more important to him / her than this?
- What if she / she loved the previous partner more than me?
- Does he / she compare me and her past passion?
If these questions pop up in your head too often, there could be several reasons.
mutual trust is the best defense against anxiety and disagreementSelf-doubt
A jealous person lives in captivity of his complexes and fears. He strives to become the best, most important, beloved person for his partner, but often does not notice that this is the case. The reason for the complexion should be sought in the events of childhood or adolescence. Perhaps you were rarely praised by your parents, and you carried this lack of support into your adult life. Every person throughout his life evaluates himself according to the same principle as his parents. Consider, is it worth transferring your teenage complexes into your current happy relationship?
Negative experiences of past relationships
If a previous partner cheated on you, lied to you, or abandoned you, you may unknowingly project your distrust into your current relationship. You should not do this if your loved one did not let you doubt him. Let go of negative experiences from your background.
Dissatisfaction with the current relationship
If you are not satisfied with some of the moments in the relationship between you and your partner, but you cannot fully resolve the conflict, you will torment yourself and accumulate irritation. As a result, you will begin to compare yourself to your partner's previous passions and further aggravate the relationship. Therefore, all misunderstandings should be discussed with the parterre at once, without concealing anger and resentment.
Psychological disorder
Abnormalities in the psyche are a fairly common reason for excessive suspicion. If your partner has never given you to doubt yourself, but you continue to "nag" him for past relationships, this is a reason to turn to a specialist. Perhaps these are echoes of depression or obsessive compulsions.
Mentions of past connections
Some people accidentally or deliberately mention their past passions in conversation with their current partner. They give them characteristics, remember spending time together. If you do this, think about why you are doing this. If your partner drew attention to this, try to keep such thoughts to yourself, as they will probably hurt your companion.
To defeat jealousy of your partner's past, you need to work on yourself and on relationships in a couple. In order for jealousy to stop poisoning your life, psychologists suggest following the following tips.
Have a heart-to-heart talk
Calm and reasoned conversation can solve most family conflicts. Learn to listen and hear your partner, be mutually polite and don't provoke scandals. Whether you are jealous of the past or expressing distrust, the best way to dot the i's is to have a confidential conversation.
Show prudence
Don't bully your spouse for keeping things that remind him of past relationships. These can be useful objects in everyday life or just gifts that she or he likes. Respect your partner's right to privacy, especially if they don't give rise to jealousy. You can always sit down calmly and discuss controversial issues. Be sure that a loving partner will always meet you if you give reasons for your request and tell about your feelings.
Don't discuss the past
As we already said, interest in the past of a husband or wife is a completely natural feeling, although not the most innocent. Be smart and take the details of your partner's completed connections as information. Do not think about it often, because each of us has the baggage of finished relationships. Don't interrogate, you don't need it. Do not try to ask your partner about the details of his ex, do not provoke such conversations, and do not remember the past in the heat of an argument or conflict. All this can destroy your union.
Trust your companion
Even if you had a negative experience with a previous partner who cheated on you or lied to you, this does not mean that the current one will let you down. Especially if he or she didn't give you a reason. Do not arrange checks, do not try, as if by chance, to bring your loved one to clean water. If you are correct, this behavior will cause a major conflict. Who likes suspicions from scratch?
Take care of yourself
Instead of harassing your partner and yourself by digging into their past, try to turn all this energy for good. Sign up for interesting courses, get a gym membership, try to move up the career ladder. This will help you build confidence and self-esteem. There are things in life that are much more interesting than spying on your passion.
Always remember that the present is much more valuable than the past. If you are gnawing at the baggage of your partner's previous relationship, follow the advice of our article. May your love be strong!
However, not everyone understands and knows where jealousy comes from. I propose an article (found on the Internet. The author is unknown) and discuss the topic. I'm sure she touched every pair. More-less
As a rule, feelings of ownership, self-doubt, and low self-esteem are called the reasons for jealousy of the past. Why does the person experience this relationship-destroying feeling? Is there a rational explanation for the causes of past jealousy?
Ownership and low self-esteem seem like plausible reasons, but this is a superficial explanation. The reason is much deeper and much more serious. No one doubts that jealousy is a natural feeling, inherent in varying degrees to all of us. Why is it unpleasant for us to know about the past sexual partners of our second half? After all, everything is already in the past, your chosen one is completely with you!
It turns out that not completely! Any past experience leaves an imprint on the soul and affects future relationships. This applies equally to both men and women. But, the consequences for women and men are different, due to the fact that the male and female psyche and behavior patterns are different. Consider the difference in behavior patterns between men and women.
A man, he is not a man because he has an outwardly noticeable sex characteristic. A man, first of all, is such because of his psychological model of behavior. The same applies to women. There are, of course, effeminate, weak-tempered men, there are strong, tough women, but this is not a rule, these are exceptions. And we will not talk about them here. We will consider classical psychological models. Normal men and women. With their characteristic traits.
So, from the point of view of nature, procreation, a man should spread his genetic material as widely as possible. Simply impregnate as many females as possible (which implies a lot of sexual intercourse). Moreover, the more successful a man is (in every sense), the more descendants he will have. The theory of natural selection works here. A man achieves sexual contact not at all because he decided to share the rest of his life with his current chosen one, but because nature is inherent in obtaining pleasure from each sexual contact (which leads to the greatest coverage of candidates. Women, on the contrary, extremely rarely experience full pleasure from the first contact). Therefore, a normal man may not feel deep psychological attachment to his sexual partner. For a life together, a man is looking for a partner who seems to him the best in comparison with others.
This is where hormones come in! Love, deep psychological attachment arises. At the same time, his previous sexual experience remains in the background, in the background. It does not really matter and does not affect the relationship with the chosen one due to the fact that previous sex did not carry a psychological load.
Based on the foregoing, jealousy of a man's past sexual partners is groundless. The same cannot be said about jealousy of men who had a serious relationship before you.
Now about women. In the female model of behavior, nature has laid the choice of the best male of all! And it is not just words. Your kids need to get the best genes. Inherit the success of their parents. It is logical that the best (most successful) man will choose the best of all. And their children will collect all the best qualities of both.
A woman cannot afford to sleep with just anyone (I repeat, we are talking about mentally normal women. We are not talking about deviations that, of course, exist). Thus, every sexual partner of a woman is the best for her at the moment when this happens. Each of her partners in the moment before intimacy surpasses all others and naturally leaves a deep psychological mark on her soul. This is the fundamental difference between women and men!
Now let's get down to the main thing.
Why has nature laid in us a seemingly destructive feeling - jealousy of the past?
The answer is simple. It is because of the destructiveness of this feeling!
Nature has taken care of the destruction of the couple's union, where past stories can affect the development of offspring. This is very rational from the point of view of nature! A strong, successful male should not raise offspring that may not have anything to do with him and the female cannot count on the full return from a male who already had a strong bond! But, nevertheless, we are not animals and there is a second reason for jealousy at the level of conscious perception.
The second reason for jealousy of a woman's past partners is very strong. As we have already discussed above, every sexual partner of a normal woman, at some point was the Best for her! If there were several of these, the best, then each of them, most likely, was the best in its own way. For example, Peter was very smart, Fyodor was rich, Anatoly was incredibly strong in sex, Gregory was cheerful, etc. The more there were, the more difficult it is to "squeeze" into this team of champions. And let's not deceive ourselves, better than the previous ones, none of the following will be! It remains to be content to stand out in this honorable row, with some kind of good quality. You must admit to yourself that you will never become the one and only for your chosen one.
So we have analyzed the nature of the appearance of jealousy of the past. In principle, it is the same for both women and men. Only with the proviso that for men it is not casual sex that matters, but only deep psychological attachment to the previous partner. And for women, any sexual partner is such.
And what to do about it?
In general, the point of all advice comes down to "understand and forgive". And from myself I can advise this: years will pass, and one day you will realize that life is actually too short to torment yourself with this jealousy. No one can change the past. So why spoil your mood and worry about something you can't influence? Think about whether you love your chosen one? Love is, in a sense, self-sacrifice. You sacrifice your time, health, sometimes even your life in favor of the object of love. Do you wish the best for him? You must understand that good for a loved one does not mean good for you! If you agree with this, you will try to do everything to make your loved one (beloved) happy.
If you cannot come to terms with the understanding that you are not the best and only one for your chosen one, then this means that you love yourself more! And such an alliance is doomed to break. The sooner it happens, the better for you.
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The foundation on which a happy relationship between a man and a woman is built is trust in each other. A trusting relationship presupposes a partner's confidence in the personality of the other and in his behavior. Trust in a couple indicates the presence of common value orientations, similar views and beliefs, norms of behavior, according to which both partners manifest themselves with each other and in the outside world. If a man considers adultery unacceptable, then trust in a woman demonstrates her agreement with the man's position on the basis of an "oral agreement" (discussion of this issue). If a woman breaks the "rule" - trust disappears, since the act presupposes discrepancies in previously agreed attitudes, respectively, in the possibility of repetition of adultery.
Simply put, trust is the assurance that you will not be wronged. What is bad - it was agreed in advance.
If a person is confident in his partner, he has nothing to fear and worry in vain.
Despite this, many couples feel anxiety about their loved ones. Yes, love, closeness, trust. But for some reason there is no certainty. After all, people before meeting each other had some kind of experience that was not always successful or acceptable for the current partner. Past lifestyles and relationships do not quite match the current image of a loved one. Doubts arise. After all, if it was like this in the past, is the repetition option possible? If a man assures of his loyalty and love, then why does he communicate with his ex-girlfriend? Or the mother-in-law seems to accidentally call you by the name of a former friend of her daughter.
On the one hand, what's the difference? We meet, love each other, live happily. On the other hand, you cannot run away from yourself, and doubts corrode the brain.
Doubts arise in relation to a partner not from scratch. They have deep psychological roots, especially among those who doubt the principle of all previous and current partners.
To doubt means not to have a final judgment / decision / attitude on a particular issue. The state of mind of a doubting person is bifurcated and he cannot make a decision or come to a conclusion, having weighed all the pros and cons. You can have doubts about any reason, starting from "What time should I set the alarm for tomorrow?" to "Is this the woman I would like to marry?"
In relationships, doubts are often based on value, moral and ethical issues: feelings, loyalty, sincerity, etc. If doubts can be dispelled or they are insignificant, then the union of people is harmonious. If doubts are not dispelled by a partner and / or are reinforced by the negative of the "bearer of doubts", the relationship will be destructive.
Often doubts torment a person not because of the unreliability of the partner, but because of the psychological barriers of the carrier. It is simply impossible for such a person to prove anything and to assure of something. In everything they see a negative, a conspiracy, a lie. They are jealous. "Jealous are special."
An ordinary jealous person needs an incentive to jealousy: to a certain act of a partner that causes jealousy. Jealous people are special - this is a category of people who don't need a reason. If it is not in reality, a special jealous person will invent it. Such pathological jealousy of one of the partners has an extremely destructive effect on the relationship in a couple, because the victim of jealousy never knows exactly what she will be caught with this time.
One of the forms of pathological jealousy is jealousy of the partner's past, to the days long gone, to something that is no longer relevant. Special jealous people constantly doubt their second half, looking for all kinds of evidence of her fall.
Jealousy is the desire for power over another.
Jealous, the person wants to control the behavior of his partner through tantrums, claims, false judgments. When a person keeps everything under control, it is safe, comfortable, which means that nothing unexpected can happen. So calm. Thus, jealousy is the pursuit of security and peace. If a partner begins to prove his innocence to the arguments of a jealous person, this serves as proof for the latter that there is nothing to worry about. For a while. Since, in general, the victims of jealous people often stop proving anything to the jealous person, thereby making the situation worse. The psychological state of the jealous person worsens, since there is no habitual and constant evidence and a sense of security.
In this sense, jealousy of the past is a great way to keep your victim hostage for as long as possible.
For objective reasons, a victim has much less chance of proving his innocence in the past than in the present. In the present tense, you can ask, trace, clarify. There is no such possibility for the past. The victim is on the hook. But even in this case, jealous people are often left with nothing. The victim of jealousy gets tired and exhausted, eventually leaves. Either in yourself, or from a jealous person.
If you are pathologically jealous of the past and cannot deal with it, your jealousy destructively affects your relationship with your partner and prevents you from being happy, then the following steps will certainly help.
Feel safety in a different way
Jealousy is the result of wanting to feel safe by keeping a situation / person under control. Safety is a basic need for every person. If at some stage of life it is not satisfied, the subsequent life of a person will be dictated by the search for this security. Frustrations of basic needs happen in childhood when interacting with significant adults (parents). Their task is to provide a sense of security for the child. It didn't work out - the information goes to the subconscious, but the need remains. Then the person tries to satisfy his need, but with other people. Just as meaningful. With a partner.
Once you become aware that your jealous partner has nothing to do with your frustrations, you will feel better.
Increase your importance
In addition to seeking to satisfy their security needs, jealous people seek to increase their value at the expense of another partner. The very jealousy with its claims veiled shouts: “Well, tell me and prove that I am important to you! The past is not important, only me is important! "
The mechanism of significance frustration is the same as in security (see Step 1). Unfortunately, there is no person who could fully compensate for the importance of a person. This work falls on the shoulders of the jealous person himself.
Therefore, if you want to get rid of jealousy, increase your importance in your own eyes.
Set goals, achieve success, don't quit. Praise yourself for any successes, no matter how small. Then you will not be jealous and exhausting your partner, wanting to receive confirmation of your importance from him. You will become meaningful to yourself. This is the main thing.
Give freedom to your partner
To be jealous of something (past or present) means waiting for the other person to be who I want in order to satisfy my own frustrations.
As we have already found out, through another person this is impossible. So let go of your partner. Not in a bad way. Just give him the freedom to do what he wants and how he wants. In a sincere love relationship, the partner will not hurt.
A PHOTO Getty Images
Any jealousy usually arises for one reason - we are afraid that a loved one or beloved will leave us for the sake of someone else. While this fear is most often unfounded and irrational, it still rests on the real possibility that, in theory, a partner could fall in love with a new coworker or meet someone online.
However, jealousy of the past has no real basis.
Most often, former partners no longer pose any threat to their current relationship, but jealous people cannot get them out of their heads, tormented by obsessive thoughts about their partner's former lovers or mistresses.
The manifestations of the first and second types of jealousy are surprisingly similar. Both cause anger, fear, anxiety and paranoia. Both can drive a jealous person into insane acts, such as spyware on a computer or phone, or "interrogation". Both types of jealousy destroy the relationship, and as a result, even the perfect union does not last.
Jealousy is always caused by insecurity, fear of losing a partner. And the longer you think about your partner's past, the stronger it becomes.
Both types of jealousy are difficult to get rid of. Moreover, it is usually more difficult to recover from jealousy of the past, simply because it is directed not to the present, but to the past. The very fact that the suffering jealous person understands how irrational his feelings about the events of the past are, makes getting rid of this scourge a difficult task.
The jealous person mentally understands that everything that bothers him is left behind, but on an emotional level he cannot get rid of heavy thoughts. As a result, he falls into a vicious circle - the more he realizes that his thoughts are insane, the deeper he plunges into this madness.
Unfortunately, phrases like "Forget about it already"or “His (her) past made them who they are” does not help the jealous person. If it was so easy for him to decide for himself - “That's it, I won't think about it anymore. Stop living in the past, ”he would have done it long ago.
How can a jealous person break the vicious circle? Here are three solutions.
1. Don't think.
The more you consider events from the past, the more anxiety will grow, it will begin to feed itself.
2. Build self-esteem.
Remember - if you cannot change the situation, change your attitude towards it. The problem is not in the past, but in our distortion of it. You have a lot of work to do to increase your self-esteem and reduce the fear that your partner will find someone “better”. Deep down, we worry about the past of our partner, all the same because we are afraid of losing him in the present. Think about what you don't like about yourself - you probably think that these traits don't like your partner either. Take up self-improvement.
3. Stop judging.
There is often a strong judgmental element in jealousy of the past. Maybe your partner has done something in the past that hurts or makes you angry. Therefore, it is imperative to work through and eliminate this judgment.
So here are three keys to recovery: Work on your self-esteem, stop judging your partner, and try not to get trapped in excessive thinking about the past, and you will soon feel the pangs of jealousy begin to leave you.
About the expert
Jeff Billings, author of How to Stop Jealousy of Your Partner's Past in 12 Steps, website retroactivejealousycrusher